I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
