she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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