i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Bring me that man meat
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
