I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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