paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
