i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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