Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
