1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
