so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
