Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
