Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
