she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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