She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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