Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Your penis caused this!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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