im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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