if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
