Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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