I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
