I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
