If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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