I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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