I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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