I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He better not be in your backpack
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
