It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
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