You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
