I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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