We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
