I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
