I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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