Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
