I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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