You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
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I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
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But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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