You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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