what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
