We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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