Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
