my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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