dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
