My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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