Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My cat gives me a boner
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
