My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just forgot I was standing up.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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