Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
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Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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