I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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