My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
