You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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