I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
