never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
