i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
