I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
