That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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