How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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