Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I looked at my own cervix.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
