how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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