yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
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