you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
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Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
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He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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